Trigger warning: suicide
This is a blog I've been thinking about writing for a long time. I have been thinking a lot about suicide in terms of mental illness, and the stigma surrounding both. Especially since the loss of Chester Bennington. My own thoughts about it have changed a lot over the years. Even when I was young, and drowning in my own youthful angst and medicated depression, I looked at suicide as a coward's way out. Or as something extremely selfish. Now, as an adult, as someone who has been working very hard to understand my own depression, and sadly as someone who experiences invasive thoughts like that, I have a different understanding.
Chester Bennington's death hit me really hard. Harder than any other celebrity death. The reason why, is that his music was my main modality for dealing with my own depression growing up. I fondly tell everyone about getting my first Linkin Park CD, Hybrid Theory. At the time, I was in 8th grade, and I mostly listened to Christian music with my mom. I would occasionally watch MTV, and one day I saw the video for Crawling. The lyrics resonated deeply with how I felt when I was at my lowest, and I became obsessed. In order to be allowed to have the CD, my mom made me print out all the lyrics to every song on the album, and let her read them. She wanted to be sure that there was no swearing, or explicit content. After confirming, she bought it for me, and from then on, I would listen to it constantly, but especially whenever I was upset. My mom hated the screaming, but knew it helped me, and never said anything when I would blare it in my room.
Now knowing the extent of his own struggle, it makes perfect sense that his lyrics were so on point, and touched so many people who were also struggling. The latest album is especially heartbreaking to listen to, all the encouraging lyrics, how hopeful it all sounds, just to know only a few months after its release, he was gone.
I have taken a long time to try and process this loss. Mostly putting it off, as I knew that I would have to delve into some of my own darker places, and I wasn't ready. As it goes with celebrity deaths, it has also been difficult hearing criticism about it. People who don't experience depression, or suicidal thoughts, seem to think that he was selfish, leaving his family, leaving his wife to care for their children by herself, never realizing that sometimes the thought process of someone willing to end their life, is that their family and loved ones are better off without them.
Depression is an awful, persistent, and ever present illness. Feeding off of your fears and insecurities. Physically draining you of energy, or the will to do anything. In your lowest moments, it can convince you that you are a burden on everyone, and that the world would be better off without you. In your high moments, when life is going great, and you're on top of the world, it can still strike, and suddenly it doesn't matter that you have everything you've ever wanted, and that you should count yourself lucky. You're still miserable, so what's the point in living?
I think those are the times when suicide seem so out of the blue. You hear people say that they were the happiest person, that they had everything going for them, so why would they do such a thing? No matter the reasons, it's very difficult to fathom how someone with a mental illness perceives their existence, and why they would think that suicide is the answer. It's very difficult for someone without any mental illness, to understand the experience of those who have them. Hell, it's difficult for those of us who do have mental illness to understand our own experience. Even then, everyone's experience is different.
I have more things to say on the topic, this feels pretty wrapped up. Another time, I may share more personal thoughts/experiences on the subject. For now, take care of yourselves. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please reach out. Call 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone, or you can text 741741 to speak with a trained Crisis Counselor.
